Now I have eastern Mediterranean blood mixed in with my Anglo roots. I am thus quite hairy and can sprout a reasonable beard in a short space of time. While I favour the Eastwood-style stubble I often conveniently forget to trim my chin and end up with a more full, yet not quite impressive, beard. This beard of mine becomes wiry and starts to show some ginger at times and has therefore to be cut back when not even halfway to coach level and for any paddler of my commitment this is a disaster!
Take Tuesday, for example. I returned from work in the early evening, in darkness, climbed into my drysuit and drove to my launch point. The wind was only a force 3 so quite mild but the temperature was hovering just around the positive side of ice degrees. It was cold. The plan was to sit a quarter of a mile offshore for the next 4 hours, at anchor, and try to tempt some cod onto the hook. I duly launched and spent the evening watching my rods and facing into the wind. First it was my hands that began to feel the cold...then my toes...and by the end of the session when I up-anchored my face was decidedly chilled. Oh for a beard!
There was nothing else for it and a product that I had seen mentioned on the internet was deemed the perfect answer. Not only would they be able to grant me comfort on the water, not only could they give me a stylish makeover, not only could they enhance my masculinity amongst my neoprene-clad brethren but they could also supply me with the perfect example of a ‘two birds with one stone’ answer – a beard AND hair to match my kayaks. Yes, Beard Head is available in yellow!
Beard Head. What?
“Beard Head will protect your head from the cold and keep your upper lip and chin toasty warm, much like a real beard would! Stand in all your Beard-y glory as your friends and family stare in awe of your manly Beard Head!”
I mean, this is really serious business! This is a pukka beard, designed to warm the chin, shield the throat and catch pieces of stray food. Better still it comes complete with a full and impressive moustache that wouldn’t look out of place on any self-respecting Wing Commander. Warm and glory, two words that surely appeal to all men!
Okay, so I absolutely needed the yellow one. Of course, just asking for yellow because it matches my kayaks, my buoyancy aid, my van and the numerous other yellow items I hoard would be vanity so I was gratified to find that it’s not called ‘Yellow Beard Head’. Nope. It’s ‘The Viking Edition’. I live on England’s East Coast. Literally on the coast. This is the Danelaw, where Ivar the Boneless and his brother Halfdan Ragnarsson settled in 865AD following a period of Viking assaults on this very coastline. This, then, is the correct Beard Head for us:
“The Viking Edition Beard Head is a magnificent choice for anyone looking to add some ‘mightyness’ to their wardrobe! Some say the Viking Edition Beard Head may invoke the power of mighty Thor himself! Feel the Beard-y greatness of the mighty Thunder God as you don his awe-inspiring visage and delight in the face-pounding warmness it provides!”
And so I placed my order with www.urbanjacks.co.uk the excitement and the frost was beginning to grip me and I needed to protect my chin. Furthermore, I was in danger of being usurped by my regular fishing partners, Jason and Steve, who also saw the potential and had got their order in. At least with Tim and I ordering shortly afterwards we’d be assured of christening them together in a group. A Viking fleet would surely leave the local shore anglers terrified!
That’s all well and good, but what exactly is a Beard Head anyway? Well, it’s a 30% wool and 70% acrylic one-size-fits-nearly-all machine-washable knitted cap with integral chin and throat protection plus a removable top lip / nostril protector. Knitted in a double moss stitch (knit one, purl one across) with double knit wool it has strength, thickness and stretch and traps plenty of warm air and biscuit crumbs. A traditional balaclava redesigned alongside human evolutionary lines to remove the restriction around the neck and the lack of facial protection which is otherwise catered for by the kind of headgear that would have you shot on sight by the Metropolitan Police. Or, as Beard Head themselves say:
“Beard Head knit beard caps combine the comfort and warmth of a traditional knit cap with the amazing styling of having a massive beard and moustache growing on your face!...Beard Head knit beard caps are one size fits (mostly) all, durable and machine washable! They are perfect for skiers, snowboarders, sports fans and people who enjoy all types of outdoor activities! The unique design of the Beard Head allows your entire face to remain warm, even in the harshest weather. Your chin, cheeks and upper lips will thank you as the Beard Head keeps them toasty warm!”
Now, the construction of the Beard Head is actually quite substantial. It’s a chunky knit in a double layer so is quite thick. The rear comes down to the nape of the neck allowing a scarf or collar to be worn without interfering with the wearer’s comfort. The top is knitted from a seperate piece and carries a seam that runs around the top of the head instead of over allowing an additional hat (such as a traditional sea kayaking floppy one or surf kayakers impact helmet) to be worn without having the seam press down onto the wearer’s crown. The ears – extremities which often suffer from the wind – are covered which is good for comfort but which does have the downside of affecting hearing and forcing spectacle wearers to fit them inside the Beard Head. Of course true Vikings don’t wear spectacles so this was probably not considered to be relevant. The beard itself is positioned just below the lower lip when worn correctly – funnily enough in the position one might grow a beard – and extends down around four inches allowing protection from wind at least down to the larynx on the average person. It is gently curved upwards to cover and protect the jawline and cheek. The cheek is also the position to which the moustache is affixed by means of a button on each end. This ingenious touch allows the moustache to be positioned or repositioned at will and also allows it to be swapped if required – perhaps for an important function or social event where you may be required to assume the demeanour of Fu Manchu rather than a raping and pillaging Beserker.
My wife opened the package for me whilst on the telephone to inform me it had arrived. It was immediately appropriated by me eldest daughter, Eloise, who as a seven year old girl has never yet had a beard of her own.
“She loves it” said my wife.
“Is it good?” I enquired.
“Load of rubbish” she replied in a wifely manner.
It’s jealousy I suspect. Perhaps it’s also a personal affront as I bought something knitted by someone else rather than her. I know she still resents my polyester Dennis the Menace jersey which mummy knitted for me after we were married. I’m not sure if Eloise allowed her younger sister to wear it but it was removed before her bath, not being reinstated until after dinner in time for bedtime reading.
Finally I was able to wear my Beard Head. I wasn’t going out on the kayak on this particular night, the weather having taken a turn for the better with the forecast 13ft breaking waves turning into a sloppy mess of foam and chop from the 42mph winds coming the other way. I can’t surf in that! Instead I decided to spend the evening inside and thus had the opportunity to wear it for a few hours in the comfort of a relatively warm house. My head was warm and comfortable and, once used to the moustache, I found the whole ensemble to be comfortable and, dare I say it, comforting. I did have to unbutton and reposition the moustache to fine tune it as I have larger than normal lips but this is a simple operation although lining them up again took a couple of attempts – there’s nothing worse than a wonky moustache. I continued to wear Beard Head for the next four hours or so, only removing it once in the midst of an argument as I felt my giggling was somehow weakening my position of self-righteousness. Of course, it is still new and has faced neither the wash of a wave, the guts of a cod or the pounding of a washing machine so this is something in need of further investigation over the next few days.
Should a clean-shaven look be required there is currently no facility to remove the beard, either totally or leaving, say, mutton-chop sideburns, although it can be folded upwards out of the way forming a somewhat unsightly quiff. Clearly though, retaining the beard is both superior and smarter to folding it away. Perhaps ‘Smooth Chin Head’ would be a better purchase for those requiring this look, but that would just be a hat and nowhere near as striking.
Fast Forward.
Well, it’s almost a year down the line now. It’s almost time to get Beardhead out again for another winter’s paddling. But before I do I should update this review…
How fondly I remember Beardhead’s warmth, that cosiness around my jawline. With Beardhead I felt I could paddle anywhere at any time…I could paddle at night…
I could launch in the snow…
I could even paddle down the coast as warm as toast…
But alas there were no other serious paddlers around me, no bearded wondermen. Until, one evening at Hopton, a convention of new-growth assembled and paddled off into the sunset (well, away actually as we were heading west but that’s irrelevant).
Out on the water things seemed somehow, I don’t know…different maybe?
…yet Beardhead proved to be more than just a face-warming fashion statement – Beardhead was Go! Beardhead gave the power and the glory as the first double-figure cod fell to an east coast kayaker…
That was it, They started to be grown elsewhere…
…mine even went on tour.
Come the spring it came off though, all that facial hair was becoming too warm for me. Perhaps just one week more would have sufficed though…
The verdict.
Did Beardhead live up to its promise then? Well, mostly. I looked stunningly handsome in it so that was good. I looked like a proper kayaker too which was even better. My chin was kept toasty warm, my ears were protected from icy winds and my top lip was kept from freezing. It has been comfortable, it washed well (it needed to, it smelt of squid after every trip especially on the moustache as I tended to adjust it regularly) and has lasted the course. There are three minor niggles with it though. Firstly, the cut away rear left my neck exposed to the wind and cold although this was countered by other clothing that I wore. Secondly, if my nose started to run at all – which in a cold wind does happen at times – it would dampen the moustache which did annoy me slightly. But these two were minor niggles…unlike the last. This is a danger to any Beardhead owner who doesn’t keep it under lock and key. It’s too desirable and if my daughter could get to it before me, well, that was it…
Beardhead. It’s bloody brilliant. Get one.
Got to love the Beardhead!!!
ReplyDelete