Kayak Fishing. Naked.
Oh dear, what had I got myself into? The idea had come about a week prior. A local launch site and beach angling hotspot is also home to a former and still used naturist beach; I say former as it is now redesignated however all beaches in the Waveney area allow nudity under the byelaws so it is still a popular naturist site and at this time of year gives a sight of naturists for those so inclined to go looking. Or those fishing there. Some confusion also arises as the clifftop and woods above are frequented also by others who remove their clothing for less tolerated reasons and a comment read online that was somewhat derogatory regarding this gave me the idea. Initially just siding with the naturist population I decided to join them in the aid of a spot of fundraising.
Let me be clear. I am not prone to public nudity. Since middle school I have been averse to stripping in changing rooms. On the beach I rarely remove my shirt. Okay, so I walk around the house naked at times, when getting out of bed or after a bath mostly but because of expediency rather than anything else. Yes, as a teenager on holiday in Spain I stripped off and went on a nudist beach because it was so damned hot and enjoyed swimming naked and yes I’ve been skinny dipping once or twice but that really doesn’t hold a flame to what I had up my sleeve. My soon to be removed sleeve.
I’m giving my support to the UK branch of Heroes on the Water, a newly-founded charity giving the opportunity for wounded servicemen to experience the freedom of kayak angling as a beneficial part of the rehabilitation process. I’ve volunteered to help on the water and I‘ve donated a few spare and unused items from my cupboards but that doesn’t really put bums on seats and with a projected cost of thirty quid a head per session a bit of cash is of more use right now, especially as it starts to gather momentum and get off the ground. A long term friend and kayak angler, Paul Fennell, is the main face of the charity and is someone I’ve always respected as trying to do the very best that he can for kayak angling (even when I’ve been opposed to aspects of it) and the rest of the team that I know are also a great bunch who’ve put so much into our respective pastime.
https://www.facebook.com/HeroesOnTheWaterUk
I did a tandem skydive back in February, raising a bunch of money for the local Caister Independent Lifeboat and had received such great support from online friends that I wasn’t sure I could just ask for some more money. I’d also hired a cameraman to film the jump and after showing it to my sixteen year old nephew he said he’d love to do it too. You can see why:
This decision coincided roughly with Paul announcing the birth of HOW; so he could do the jump if we could raise the money. Once again, only a couple of months on, a bunch of friends stepped up to the mark and gave generously and, it has to be said, unbelievably. But I didn’t have the cheek to keep begging and the project kind of stalled while I tried to think of ways to build the donation and Mike failed to persuade his headmaster to allow him to do a non-uniformday at school before he left. This is Mike kayak fishing with me:
So, balls to the wall and a week after a mate’s nephew did a skydive and on the back of the forum posting about Corton’s inhabitants I said I’d strip naked and go kayak fishing, with pics and video if I could raise the remainder of the target off the back of it, £190. I don’t sell my body cheaply, pound for pound it’s got to be worth a couple of quid after all! Well, I got pledges and I got payments and though I’d only had about forty quid banked I didn’t want to return it so I waited for a nice, warm, still day…
…which didn’t come. My wife and children were due home from three weeks in France in a couple of days, the forecast didn’t point me to a particular spot for success and I wanted to get on the water so that was it, the thirteenth would be a go. I went to bed and got into practice; basically I stripped off and remained naked until it was time to load up and leave the house. The curtains were closed…
I drove to Corton, grinning but nervous. This was stupid. This was nuts. I trolleyed the yak down to the beach. It was breezy, about 10mph northwesterly and gusting to 20 at times, hardly ideal to be so exposed. I’d purposely left all my paddling gear at home so I couldn’t back out. The sea wasn’t exactly flat and the beach had rather more people on it than normal and I had to drag the yak a lot further than I usually do on account of the nudist part being further up but I got far enough away from the non-nudists and was far enough away from the naturists that I figured I could grasp the bull by the horn and strip without feeling too self conscious. Strip out of my carefully selected ‘Never Mind the Bollocks’ T-Shirt. Well, never mind the Sex Pistols, here’s my…
The video camera was running. I was feeling very, very stupid. I was being watched by a couple of naturists fifty yards away. I cast a last look around, and another, and another and then began, stripping down to my underpants initially and bagging everything else up for my return. Then, with everything in place and even those removed I gave my final piece to the camera and dragged the kayak to the water, jumping on rather more carefully than normal and paddling out.
I’m not sure what was worse, the cold water coming over the bow and into my lap or the cold water coming up through the scupper holes in the seat. It was like a simultaneous bucket and bidet. I looked down and saw a couple of small stones between my thighs. Very small stones.
Okay, paddle out far enough to get the deeper water but close enough that I’m not altogether invisible, this being the nature of things and I became quite possibly the first person, certainly in the North Sea, to anchor a kayak naked. Mid-flow at that and on a spring tide too. Three knots of water surged through the scuppers and it was like being prepared for theatre before my hernia op. Am I giving a little bit too much information? Perhaps…but you want to know you’re donation’s been worthwhile!!!
The kayak settled, I stowed my paddle with a bungee over the shaft. Dreadful pun, sorry. Then it was time to get my Ram Tube positioned (google it, it’s a bona fide rod holder not a cheap crack. Damn, this is getting worse by the second!) Okay, now to reach around and grab my rod. Sorry. Be careful boy, those 2/0 Maxximus hooks are seriously sharp and you have four of them to avoid…8oz grip lead, a whole squid and a naked cast fifty yards downtide. So far so good. Got my rod in. Now for my second rod, which thankfully can’t be misconstrued.
The wind had shifted now and the sea was picking up. In the interests of safety I decided I’d better put my buoyancy aid on. Now normally this would not be left off of course but it was vital that, at least for the important moments, I do what I was promising and be completely stripped. I was glad I didn’t have it off though as it did keep some of the wind out and some of the spray off my back, though not all and the cold water that occasionally broke over the stern and ran down my lower back to my seat was decidedly worthy of a donation or two!!!
Only once did my rod twitch, a little nibble on the end, but giving it a sharp jerk I was too slow and nothing came of it. that was after half an hour. The following hour saw no repeat of this even in the prime part of the tide and slack water coincided with two minor squalls, a building sea and a 15-20 knot gusty wind that was more gusty than settled. My feet were numb, I could pass for female in Thailand and I was getting constantly doused. Quite frankly it was time to come in…so with everything stowed away and one eye on my tackle I grabbed hold of the anchor reel and started to haul.
Once it was up I started heading for shore. Damn there were a lot of people around!!! Okay, go down further and hope that those two couples aren’t looking – it’s a straight walk up to the ramp there too. Hmm, not the nicest part of the beach, rather a large dump between the groynes, but it was the same all along. At least it was a steep bank beyond and I’d not be overly prominent – not that there was a great deal to see by now of course. I waited for a smaller wave, not like me at all but I didn’t fancy rolling naked and perhaps requiring difficult-to-explain surgery, which finally came along and I ran up the beach at quite a steep angle.
Phew! ‘d got away with it. I jumped out and that’s where things went wrong. The backwash pulled the kayak backwards, my unleashed paddle fell off the deck and went the other side. Bollocks. I now had to scrabble, butt-naked, up the bank with the yak and bounce around to grab the paddle from the other side then push the yak further and generally run around starkers for far longer than I wanted! Not impressed at all with that bit of excitement…
Well that was it. A final piece to camera and, clothed, I drove home, laughing myself silly, cringing in humility and wondering how I’d get this looking right as I sat there editing two hours of rather revealing footage. I hope that you find i this tale, amusing… my nephew has yet to show that he also has balls!
